broken
by lita rocks LbC
Summary: Just a broken soul looking for answers and wanting to be fixed.


**Disclaimer**: I own nothing related to iCarly.

**AN**: thoughts from a drunk person, on a Monday night/Tuesday morning. Happy Reading.

**Broken**

I had trust issues, but she broke me out of that. Before I met her, I didn't give people the satisfaction of getting too close to me. I always kept people at a distance, two or three arms length worth of distance, maybe even more. Then I met her, and inch by inch the arms slowly dropped until she was literally pressed up against me. Figuratively speaking, of course.

I told her shit I wouldn't tell anyone else, and I trusted her with everything. My dreams and secrets, the thoughts on my future. The thoughts of my future with her in it. She knew everything that not even my dearest and oldest friends knew, not even my family.

But she was different, or so I thought.

She was there when others weren't.

She cared when others didn't.

She loved me when no one else did.

She broke me from my trust issues.

Then she broke me by breaking what she broke me out of.

When I started trusting her, the walls I built around me started crumbling down until there was nothing protecting me. She could see right through me and my bullshitting ways, and she'd make me open up to her. Share everything that was running around through my head.

The feelings and thoughts and words just flew from my brain, out of my mouth, and into her ears. She'd sit there and listen to me as I vented, contemplated, asked questions and made my feelings clear. Her brown locks would sway slightly when she'd nod her head or shake it. Her pouty pink lips would form all kinds of shapes as she gave her own input. Her chocolatey eyes would stare at me with comfort, confusion, sympathy, or love. She'd hug me when I was feeling down, and kiss my cheek and make me blush even more when I got giddy over anything.

Of course I was all these things to her, too. Well... at least that's what I tell myself. I'd like to believe she never told people the stuff she told me. She said herself that she'd never told anyone either, but when I think about it, I'm not really sure anymore. At first all I saw were her good sides. The flirty, clumsy, funny, retarded sides. The sides that made me happy and laugh and smile and bring out my goofy side just so I can continue seeing her act out and be herself.

Then after a while, after things fell apart and I started feeling like shit, I started seeing other sides of her. Sides that I never thought I'd see from her. She wasn't at all like I thought she was, but I was still into her. A lot. The stuff she did, does, didn't deter me away from the love that had grown inside of me. The love that grew inside of me for her.

People say 'you know it's love when you take their imperfections and flaws and still love them for it', but... is love supposed to hurt so much? I've taken everything she's thrown at me, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the downright horrible, but I still love her... but I'm also hurting because of it.

I never thought that the sweetest girl I'd ever known in my life would end up hurting me like she does. I don't think she realizes it, either, though. I think the way I push her to tell me stuff just adds to the fuel, and makes me hurt even more. Maybe I shouldn't push so much, because sometimes things are better left unknown, but I can't help it. She used to tell me everything, and I can't accept the fact that now she doesn't tell me anything at all. So, I push and shove until she tells me things that make the crack in my heart even more wider and the pain in my soul that much deeper.

But I love her, and I continue letting the insecurities and jealousy and doubt eat me alive. Because I just can't picture how my life would be like without her in it. I've gotten so used to having her in my life, that just picturing a life without her just isn't possible. And it's ridiculous because I can't even remember how my life was like before she was even in it. What's even more ridiculous is how pathetic I feel when I realize that all I think about is her, when she's probably not even thinking about me at all.

I try to find things to occupy my mind, things to keep my thoughts away from her, but nothing works.

She consumes every thought and dream and moment and memory in my head. The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months are all about her. Ever since we first started talking, it was all about her. And it's funny, because when we did first start talking – the whole getting to know each other stuff – I was just playing around. I'm a downright flirt. I flirt with everyone and anyone, but somewhere along the way I started falling for her – her charm, her smile, her laughter, the way she'd blush uncontrollably after I said something inappropriate, the way she bit her bottom lip when she concentrated, her facial expressions after I said something stupid – it all got to me. Eventually, days went by and she was all I thought about. Then, I came to the realization that I liked her, a lot, and I was suddenly captivated by her.

Somehow, she became captivated by me, too. She'd get excited when seeing me, and I could make her laugh and smile like it was nothing. We'd talk for hours on end about anything and everything that came up. The most silliest conversations over stuff that made no sense at all made my heart feel lighter than it had ever felt before. We'd gush over hot celebrities, and I'd paint pictures in her mind when she was sad featuring her favorite celebrities, pictures that would make her forget her worries and thoughts. When she was feeling low on self-esteem when she was sick, I'd be there to compliment her until she felt better because she's beautiful no matter how runny her nose is, or how deep her voice is from all the coughing. She was my girl, my world, my everything, and I wasn't going to let her feel bad about herself, because in my eyes there was not a bad thing about her.

But I was blinded by love. Maybe even lust, and infatuation.

I placed her on a pedestal, high above everything and everyone else. All I cared about was her happiness. All I wanted to do was be the cause of her smiles and giggles and happy thoughts. And I was all that for awhile. We used to talk everyday, but sometimes we'd go a day or two.. or a week without getting the chance to speak and it'd kill the both of us because we missed each other so much. I'd have my phone on me at all times, just in case she was able to call or text me while visiting her granddad in Yakima. He's an old fashioned kind of guy, and wouldn't have approved of me 'steering his granddaughter the wrong way', but her brother was a godsend. He'd find ways to distract their granddad just so she could send me a quick 'I miss you' text.

She's everything that I'm not. She's sweet and nice to everyone she meets, while I'm rude and aggressive, even to people I don't even know. She's smart and determined ,while I'm lazy and just do whatever I could to get by. She's into chick flicks, while I love action and comedy movies. She goes out and volunteers at homeless shelters, while I would be the one fighting hobo's for their food. She would be the one on the sidelines, cheering the team on, while I was in the game playing my ass off. She's all the things I'm not. We're total opposites, but we worked well together. We balanced each other out.

But things aren't the same anymore. Not ever since we broke up and went our separate ways. Of course I knew it wasn't going to be the same, break ups usually determine the relationship after it's over. I was, am, heart broken by it, because it seemed to come from left field. I thought we were happy, but obviously that wasn't the case.

We're still friends, I guess. Sometimes it feels like we're still together, with all the flirting we do and the explicit talks we still have. Sometimes it feels like there isn't anything going on between us, like we didn't share deep feelings and a connection with each other, as if the fire's been burned out between the two of us. I know that's not the case though, because she tells me that she loves me. Why? I honestly have no clue. She didn't start telling me she loved me until after we broke up, and for a while I was just confused, bitter, and angry about it.

If she loved me then why would she break up with me? Why would we still be apart?

I don't know where she stands in all of this. She doesn't tell me anything that involves her feelings anymore. When I try, she ignores my attempts or changes the subject. And it hurts, like a fucking bitch, and I feel like I should just keep on pushing until she finally tells me where her heart is in all of this, but at the same time I'm scared. At the same time I want to know. They say that sometimes it's hard for people to admit stuff because the truth would be too hard to handle, or the other person just has a hard time admitting it, but I feel like I should know.

My heart's already broken, how much more damage can be inflicted upon the scars that are already there?

At times I feel like I should just move on. Let everything go and go on my way, and try to live my life without her. But things hold me back from doing so. What? I don't know. I try to keep my distance, because I think that will help, but she sends me text messages telling me that she misses and loves me, so I forget about letting go and moving on. Sometimes I find shit out, about her having crushes on someone else, and I feel like I'm holding on for nothing; shit that ain't even there.

There's a saying that goes "when you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place" and it's inspiring. Really, it is. But what's the point of holding on when there's nothing to hold on to?

Honestly, I'm just broken. I'm broken and I feel like I'll never get fixed, and I know that's not the case. I just need to be patient and let life take its flow, but that's hard to do when I feel so broken inside, especially since patience is not my virtue.

But I'm broken for the time being and I feel like a complete and total mess.

**AN**: just a broken soul lookin' to be fixed. Thanks for reading. Maybe you can review now?

**keep in mind:**

_- Shit happens, people change, feelings fade, but life goes on._

_- When you stop giving a fuck is when you stop hurting.  
_


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